Trying to calm an upset child can feel impossible—at least that was my experience.
When one of my daughters gets upset, she gets very upset. All the drama and intensity of a grown poet seems packed into a tiny five‑year‑old body.
She sobs, screams, and shakes. Her whole body tenses as she struggles to contain everything she feels.
Most of us know you can’t reason with someone who’s completely overwhelmed, yet our instinct is to try. As a parent, my natural response was to help her calm down.
So what did I try? Two things…
- Telling her to “calm down” (about as effective as telling her to speak Greek)
- Coaching deep breaths (which often led to hyperventilating and more distress)
Unsurprisingly, those didn’t work.
But I believed that deep breathing could help—if I could get her to actually do it. Filling her lungs with air would deliver oxygen to her brain, helping her move out of fight‑or‑flight and into clearer thinking.
Deep breathing really is powerful
Deep breathing is one of the strategies that keeps me sane while raising four young kids and balancing work and everyday stress. It’s honestly saved my patience more than once.
I wanted my daughter to have that tool, but modeling and coaching while she was upset only made things worse—until I discovered a kid‑specific approach.
A kid‑friendly method
I learned four practical strategies in a Conscious Discipline parenting class and from the book Conscious Discipline. They felt like a revelation—simple, playful techniques that actually worked.
After using them, meltdowns became fewer and shorter, hyperventilating stopped, and my children gained real control over their responses. I’ve taught these to all my older kids and they use them.
These calm‑down strategies give kids tools they can use anywhere
The benefit is that kids can rely on these techniques at home, at a friend’s house, or at school. They learn to calm themselves when emotions run high.
To demonstrate, I gathered my three older girls and we made a short video showing the exercises.
4 calm‑down strategies kids can use anywhere
1) Balloon Breathing
This is my favorite because it’s visual and physical—kids understand “filling a balloon” better than abstract instructions.
How to do it: Link hands above your head and breathe in while slowly lifting your arms, imagining you’re filling a balloon. Then lower your arms and breathe out as the balloon deflates.
2) The Drain
This playful movement mimics water running down a drain and lets kids release tension.
How to do it: Extend straight arms in front of you with fists clenched and tighten your muscles. Then “turn the faucet,” slowly lower your arms while releasing tension, and exhale with a long “shhh” sound.
3) Pretzel
Pretzel is a slightly trickier cross‑body exercise that engages both sides of the brain, which helps calm racing thoughts.
How to do it: Twist your arms to bring palms together in front of your body and cross your legs. The coordinated challenge focuses the mind and slows the stress response.
4) Be a S.T.A.R.
This simple acronym works for parents and kids alike. When things get tense—like when a plate is thrown—you can use this to pause and respond calmly.
- Stop
- Take a deep breath
- And
- Relax
Reminding kids to “be a STAR” gives them a short, memorable script to regain control before reacting.
Give kids the skills to calm themselves
Big emotions don’t have to take over the whole household. Instead of trying only to calm an upset child, teach them tools they can use independently.
Children are capable of learning to manage strong feelings. These strategies are practical, portable, and empowering—so even when you’re not there, they can handle being a kid.
You’ve got this, mama!
More helpful strategies
- The Simple Phrase That Teaches Kids to Be Helpful
- 14 Brilliant Time‑Saving Tips For Moms
- 12 Steps to Combat Picky Eating & Create Healthy Mealtime Habits
